how shame, confidence, and everything in-between manifests itself in my personal style

2022 me would not recognize 2026 me, and that's a good thing.

But first, some housekeeping.

If you’re opening this from your inbox, thank you for subscribing. You may have found this through Lucia. She has since taken her brilliant mind & creative writing to her own beautiful corner of the internet: Statement Pieces. Please subscribe, like, follow. All the things. She may still pop in and out of here (fingers crossed!), but My 1st Rodeo is, now, only (really) MY, Mackenzie Lynne Fitzgerald’s, 1st rodeo.

Now, for thoughts & feelings in essay format.

It’s 2026. Whoa. In 2022, I started posting a lot on Tiktok, and I loved it. Until I didn’t. As one does when they grow their audience on a platform, I started getting mean-spirited comments about my appearance, so I stopped posting for several years. Over that time, I worked really hard on my self-confidence. I changed a lot of things inside my body, and in turn, that has changed a lot of things outside of it. My emotional intelligence, my responses vs reactions, my sobriety, my health & wellness … led to changes in my hair, my nails, my body, my style, and more. If you’re feeling anything like I was, you may find solace in my reflection.

oh, the places your style will goooooo

First, I’ll share that I used to get a lot of commentary on TikTok specifically about looking “frumpy” or “shapeless”. And naturally that hurt my feelings, but I was grateful nonetheless because it provided important mind fodder. I cared what random people on the internet thought. And I mostly started to wonder why I cared about that and what it said about my style and about me as a person.

some frumpy & shapeless looks

I heard a creator say in a video once that she likes to dress in large, oversized clothing to take up lots of space as a reaction to her past eating disorder that convinced her she needed to minimize herself and her body.

As much as I wish I could track my style back to an unconscious retaliation to my own eating disorder, I know that the evolution of my style is actually a manifestation of my deeply rooted desire to hide my body. And, now, to show it.

Like every woman I’ve ever met in my entire life, I used to have a lot of shame around my body, and my first instinct was to cover it. In the rare instances when I didn’t, I felt extremely out of sorts.

full coverage in the form of layers & wide silhouettes

Generally speaking, shame is a powerful motivator in American society and it’s the basis for many of my own inclinations in and out of the closet. Many books have been written about shame. Brene Brown has made an entire career around researching and lecturing about the topic. If you’re introspective, you may have found that shame is a driving force for you, too. But it’s not all bad; once acknowledged, shame can be harnessed.

Over time I’ve become less interested in creating flattering outfits to accentuate smaller parts of myself. It doesn’t bother me to wear tent and wide leg styles together. In fact, I purposely do it. The “frumpy” and “shapeless” is often my “perfect” and “aligned”.

take it off! take it off! c'mon n' take it off, baby, for meeeee.

I’ve also, in the proverbial shedding of my insecurities, begun shedding layers of clothing. A sheer dress just hates to see my coming. Underwear is outerwear. And my big booty is an accessory, not a styling liability.

At present state, I don’t dress to appear conventionally attractive, and I’ve become much more interested in clothing as an idea and a dialogue — it’s why I have always been drawn to brands like Prada, Miu Miu and Comme des Garçons.

nobody puts baby in the corner. especially in full pierpoalo piccioli valentino.

I don’t exist to fit some standard beauty form upon which the world can gaze and admire. And that’s (predictably) tough for mass appeal because a vital human weakness and defect of character is to reject things when they differ from our own personal ideas and values. And additively, we as humans often fatally double down on our ideas in the face of rejection. For example, you don’t like my big tulle dress? Leave a comment. Check back later to see my self-defense? Leave another mean comment.

The only cure to this asinine doubling down on both sides is to open your mind to the continuous input of new ideas, and create a perpetual feedback loop that leads to personal evolution in style (and beyond).

t-shirt & shoes that double as floatation devices? ultra sheer tulle dress? she contains multitudes.

And if you’re aligned in my way of thinking that personal evolution is, inherently, a worthwhile pursuit, then it would behoove you to normalize change when presented with new information. Take it as it comes and do with it what you will, but don’t let it slow you down in your race to becoming who you are. And to that end, this is my current state. And becoming who I am is my greatest art in this world.

In 2022, I stopped posting because I felt too seen; in 2026, I return because I finally see myself. What once felt like criticism was really an invitation to decide who I am without consensus. And that decision (made over and over again) is freedom.

L8r g8rs.

P.S. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I recognize my own privilege in my shape and form, and in no way is this a whoa-is-me post, but rather a rally cry for finding your voice, your style, and being open to changing your mind about, well, everything.

After while, crocodiles.